


The Sam Winchester Blues

by ApocalypticNuisance



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Depression, M/M, Sam Winchester has Depression, or is at least very sad
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-06-11
Updated: 2018-06-11
Packaged: 2019-05-21 00:32:09
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,766
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14905118
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ApocalypticNuisance/pseuds/ApocalypticNuisance
Summary: Sam’s dealt with a lot of shit in his life and things are finally catching up with him. He wakes up one morning feeling awful and it’s up to his favorite angel boyfriend to make him feel better





	The Sam Winchester Blues

**Author's Note:**

> Check out my writing at righthandwriter.tumblr.com <3 This is the first story i’ve written in a very long time so i’m rusty!

It’s not every day that Sam feels like this. Most of the time he’s busying himself with research or focusing on his physical health so he’s in tip top shape. He doesn’t have TIME to let his thoughts focus on the pain he’s feeling.

He knows he’s broken, after many years of hunting and dying and being mentally tormented by Lucifer (rinse and repeat about two more times), it’s difficult to really lie to himself anymore. But he tries to stay happy, tries to focus on other things that make him feel whole, tries to keep his mind occupied so he won’t have to direct his thoughts to how empty he feels most days.

Unfortunately you can’t avoid those thoughts forever. They sneak up in the back of your mind until they’re ready to burst and then when you least expect it they’ve wormed their way up as your top priority. They make you feel sick and less motivated, leaving you a hollow husk of who you usually are.

Today is one of those days when those thoughts broke the burier. 

Sam had woken up one Wednesday morning to the sound of his alarm blasting in his ears. He reached over without a second thought and pressed Snooze but made no move to actually get out of bed. The sun was barely peeking out from behind the horizon and although by now Sam would be up and out of bed for breakfast and a morning jog, he couldn’t bring himself to actually move more than a simple attempt at rolling over. His eyes struggled to stay open, a permanent frown on his scruffy face - he really DOES need to shave, doesn’t he? When was the last time he had felt like this? 

At first he thought he was coming down with something. It was nearing summer time and unlike Dean, who usually got a cold or the flu in the Autumn season, he usually got some sort of sickness in the spring time despite being at pek health. But chalking it up to being sick just felt like a cheap excuse and he realized that maybe it wasn’t that. Maybe he was just having a bad day and needed to stay in bed. 

He stifles a yawn, pulling the blankets over his broad shoulders and proceeding to roll onto his side to face away from the alarm clock and get back to sleep. His eyes drifted shut, prepared for another trip to dreamland, but something was off. Sam scrunched up his face after a few minutes with no progress before officially letting his eyes open wearily. His tired expression shifted into one of fear for a split second as he thought he had caught a glimpse of Lucifer but…..no, no he’s dead. Calm down, Sam, you’re just seeing things, it’s okay. Everything will be okay.

Repeating those words in his head for a bit seemed to calm him down and soon Sam felt himself become exhausted once more but any attempts at sleep were officially gone when he let his thoughts drift from Lucifer to his own death(s). Now here he was, laying in bed and making himself sad with endless thoughts of his own failures and mistakes.

Sam stayed like that for hours, the uncomfortable silence drifting in the air. He stayed like that until a soft knock sounded at the door and his eyes and thoughts both drifted to the noise.

At first he thought he had just been hearing things but then it came again.

“Yeah?” He calls, visibly flinching at the way he croaks.

It’s silent for a moment, just a moment, before the door is opened a crack and a familir face appears in the doorway.

“Sam…? May I come in?”

It was Cas. Oh thank the lord for Castiel.

Sam flashes a smile, trying not to make it look forced. “Sure, Cas.” 

The angel steps inside, gently shutting the door behind him and making his way over to the bed. He seems to hesitate before sitting on the edge, noticing the way the other was taking up most of the space and looked like he hadn’t moved in hours. The bed was warm, the blankets were warm, Sam had to be overheated under there.

“Dean called me after waking up earlier. He says he’s worried since you haven’t left your room and didn’t answer him when he knocked earlier.”

“Dean knocked? I didn’t even notice.”

“Yes, he was very worried but wanted to give you some space. He asked that I come and check on you at least to make sure you weren’t ‘dying of a cold’ as he puts it. Although I don’t see how you could die of a simple cold virus, unless you have a very weak immune system but Sam yours is very strong-“

“Uuuuh, Cas? You’re rambling.”

“Oh! My apologies, I hadn’t even noticed.” 

Castiel got like that around Sam a lot, ever since they started dating and the angel revealed just how much he enjoyed being around the hunter.

Now that? THAT made Sam smile. The simple thought that someone like Cas, a strong and powerful angel - not just in physical ways but mental as well, with his urge to rebel against all the wrongdoings of heaven and search for another way - would like such a simple human as himself. Cas seemed to care about him and his feelings for the angel almost outweighed his sadness. Almost.

Sam gave a weak laugh and reached over, setting his hand on top of Cas’ where it rested on the mattress, “Don’t worry about it. You know I love listening to you talk.”

Cas visibly hesitates.

“Despite how I enjoy your compliments, Sam, I am still very worried about you,”

“I’m fine, Cas. Really.” But his smile fell and it was apparent that he was not.

“Sam…? Please tell me what the matter is.”

“I-“ Now he’s the one that’s hesitating. What if Cas thinks less of him just because he’s having some bad thoughts? The angel always looked at him like he was a gorgeous creature with no flaws whatsoever but if he suddenly starts venting and truly admitting to his fears then Cas’ opinions of him migr change. He might become less in his angel’s eyes and he….he couldn’t bear the thought of that. 

It must have been clear how the dread ran through his face because a hand gently reached over to stroke his cheek. 

“Sam…?”

When he looked up, Cas’ eyes were on his face, searching his expression for any sign that something was very wrong. Cas was worried. For him. The thought made his heart melt and he gave a deep sigh.

“I’m just….having a bad day is all. I woke up feeling bad and thinking about how...how many times I’ve let everyone down, including myself-“

“What?? Well as far as I’m concerned you haven’t done anything like that.”

“Cas, please…..You don’t have to lie to make me feel better. I know I’ve made mistakes and I know I’ll be making countless more. I’ve let you and my brother down so many times, I’ve let myself down, especially when being tormented by Lucifer and never being able to put up a real fight. Do you know how much it hurts to wake up every day and worry that you’re going to do something wrong? Like cause another apocalypse? I just want to wake up one day and feel like being happy isn’t a distraction from all the bad thoughts that run around in my head. I just….I just want to be normal, Cas, I-“

His throat tightens, tears welling up in his eyes as the emotion overtakes him. With a choked sob, he squeezes his eyes shut and rubs his hands over his face in an attempt to calm himself down. 

“I’m sorry, I’m really fucking pathetic, aren’t I?”

“Sam-“

“I don’t deserve someone as great as you to be with me every day. I don’t deserve to be happy.”

“Now that’s going too far. Sam-“

“I’m just dragging you down, Cas, I-“

“Sam Winchester!” 

Suddenly a pair of hands are on top of his own, squeezing in a comforting manner and gently pulling them away from his face. Cas’ fingers trace his jaw and gently lift his tear-stained face so they’re eye-level. Sam slowly opens his eyes, his vision blurry from crying.

“You mean the world to me, Sam,” Even from the blur, Sam can make out that the angel is giving him a soft smile, “You are the most important human being I’ve ever met, not just because you’re a Winchester, but because you are MY Winchester. You’re soft despite your build, you take other’s feelings into account, you’re as sweet as sugar, and I love everything about you. I feel as though I am not the one who is deserving of you, Sam. With everything you do - everything you’ve DONE - to help the world, how can I ever compete? It’s okay to feel sad, my star, but please no that you can come and speak to me about it. I don’t want you to ever feel like you have to deal with any of these feelings alone. You know I love you,”

Those words hit Sam over the head like a brick. That was the first time Cas had ever said ‘I love you’ and it almost instantly made him feel better. He feels himself begin to tear up again, but this time accompanied by a shaky smile to show that he was crying for a different reason.

“I l-love you too, Ca-as,” he stutters, wiping his eyes and giving a giddy soft laugh.

The angel beams, gently setting their foreheads together. 

“Feeling any better?”

“A little bit….” Though he wasn’t all the way there, Cas certainly helped him feel less worthless.

“Would you like to talk about it?”

“I’m…..y-yeah, actually. If….If I’m not being annoying,”

“I am here for you, my star.”

Castiel gave a sweet and gentle smile. He slips off his trenchcoat and drapes it over Sam’s lap before sliding into bed next to him. He wraps his arms around Sam’s shoulders and pulls him forward so Sam’s halfway laying on top of him while Cas’ back is against the headboard. The hunter pulls the trenchcoat up around his shoulders and sighs.

His gaze flickers up to Cas, their eyes meeting. He gives a smile and gets one in return, fingers gently running through his tangled bedhead.

Maybe….for once...things will be okay.

“Thank you, Cas.”


End file.
